I am my own worst critic aka enemy

“Four things come not back: The spoken word, The sped arrow, The past life, The neglected opportunity.”Arabian Proverb

When opportunity knocks on my door, I sometimes find myself not wanting to answer. Sounds silly,I know but I get scared too. I know it is just fear I am facing; fear of the unknown challenges that may lie ahead. I know all this- rationally, but irrationally I fear failure the most above all else. My latest challenge: I have “willed” myself a  job that is a few years ahead of schedule. Basically not in my highly thought out plans for my life. You see, I have a 5-year plan that include being a stay-at-home mother to my son until he is old enough to enter kindergarten and also to do the same for my unborn child who is due to arrive this November (also planned). My usual approach to fear in to take it head on, to challenge that fear even though it sometimes is greater and mightier than little old me. However, I must admit, my first thoughts are always to run far, far, away and hide in a corner alone. I should also add that I do not have a spontaneous bone in my body, (and if I do it must be rather small).

I am sitting here thinking about my “5 -year plan” and wondering what a slight digression from it would really do to me. It all seems to lead to positives(now that I am thinking rationally, lol). It got me thinking about all the wonderful events and occurrences in my life that I did not plan; the most rich and fulfilling aspects of my life were those unplanned things.My husband, the many places I have lived throughout the country that I never thought I would find myself living, the things I have experienced, the people I have met, deciding to have my 1st child 2 years before I had originally “planned”.  I know myself well enough to know that in the end, everything works out for the best. I also know that my tendencies in life are to first panic, want to run away, and then after a good night’s rest, I always make the right decision. Funny how we are capable of talking ourselves in and out of things. I am a great motivator to others, but sometimes the worst enemy to myself. I am also not one to run to people and seek advice and/or help. I am so inside of my head that I find it best to write it all down, my fears and my concerns and then re-read this list the next day (or whenever I am feeling more rational) to truly assess my feelings on the matter at hand. Good advice I think. I think I will take it!

Anyhow, I think that the proverb says it all. I have said many things that I wish I haven’t said and now always think before I speak (and if I still offend then that what sorry” is for). I have also never regretted a thing in my life and do not intend to do it now. I think that it is better to try something and fail then to have never tried at all. Reminder to myself: when opportunity knocks that is fate and destiny, however, it only takes you halfway there. The other half is getting off your butt to answer the door.

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