Some people build walls to keep people out. I have walls to see who cares enough to break them down.
I don’t like to get too personal and deep with people. Rarely do I run around calling friends my best friends. I have been burned too many times; I have been dissed enough lately to know that I can only depend on myself. Those that I have been there for through the thick and thin, have not been there for me and as much as I hate to admit it, it hurts me feelings.
I am a Cancer sign. I can’t believe sometimes how accurate astrology is, but I am also wise enough to know that astrological signs are like wine: they may all be from the same vineyard, but they may all taste differently due to the weather, year and person drinking it. With that being said, it is interesting that my sign’s symbol is the crab. I am like the crab: with it’s hard exterior and soft interior. I am like the crab and let my shell off for a moment to breathe and got bruised and hurt. I refuse to ever feel sorry for myself. I do not believe that does anybody any good.
Here is how I personally deal with the emotional pain I sometimes feel when my feelings are hurt by those I care about or just hurt in general by harsh words about my character.
1. I address the pain. I let out a good cry/rant/or write it all out. I wallow in the pain for a bit. A bit. Not long enough to feel sorry for myself but long enough to really feel the pain I am feeling so that I may understand my pain. If I allow myself to cry, I always feel a little better afterwards. (This is anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour).
Lesson: Go ahead! Cry it out! Then move on!
2. Once the pain is addressed and acknowledged, (rather than me going around pretending I am not hurt), I try to figure out the cause of the pain or the root of what really hurt me. What in the words or actions hurt my feelings? Words can hurt, yes, but what exact words hurt the most. Why did they hurt? Was it becauser I was faced with truths I am not yet ready to face? Or is it because the words were the opposite of how I see myself or present myself to the world?
Lesson: Focus on what lesson you are getting out of this event. Write it out or talk to someone you trust and that is a good listener.
3. Once I realize the root of the pain, I pull on my “big girl chonies (undies)” and stop thinking about it. I force myself to be present in the here and now. I stop replaying the event over and over in my mind. I stop replaying what was said or done to me, what I should have said or done and/or why the person would offend me in such a way. This is an important step because if I continue to do this, I would only cause myself more pain. There is no happiness in those memories that upset me, only pain.
Lesson: There is happiness, however, to be found in the present time.
4. Along with refusing to replay the events repeatedly in my head and staying in the present moment, I stop talking about the issue with people. I have done this in the past, and it is like “beating a dead horse”. Trust me. When I tell people what someone else did to wrong me, it feels good to get another person on my side. It is always nice and reassuring to have someone tell me it wasn’t my fault and that I am a good person. But the truth is, if I did this more than the few times it takes to talk it out and to get it out of my system, my retelling of the story only holds me hostage in that moment when I was hurt. It allows the hurt feelings to reemerge and control me again.
Lesson There is no happiness to be found in a hurtful story.
5. After all these steps, I must find it in my heart to forgive myself. That’s right. Myself. I am one of those people who believes that people treat us how we “allow them” to treat us. So if I am being treated like a doormat, than that means I am being too available and too nice to certain people.
By forgiving myself, it is not my way of opting out of having any responsibilty in the events, but it is allowing myself to not be a prisoner of regret.
Lesson: Forgive yourself to help heal yourself.
6. Just as I said I refuse to feel sorry for myself, I also refuse to play the victim. I am a strong woman and in the end, I believe in myself because there is only me when I am alone and I should like the person I am with, no? I will own up to my part in an argument, maybe not immediately but after these steps I always try to see my part in the argument or hurtful event. I may not be responsible for someone else’s actions, but I am responsible for how I choose to react to them. I will always choose happiness above all else. It is not worth it to me to sit around feeling bad for someone else’s actions when I could be feeling happy in the present time.
Lesson: You are responsible for your reactions to their actions.
7. Lastly, I like to focus on things that make me smile; the things that make me laugh; the things that make me feel happy. Then, I share my smile, my laugh my positivity with the world. Sometimes the “world” is just my two young children and my husband, my neighbors passing by with a wave, the people I see at the store with eye contact and a smile. I refuse to bring more people into my pain.
When I am through all these steps, and my head is clear, I like to talk to the person that hurt my feelings. I have to go into the conversation with my head clear so that I can express myself without being overly emotional, but still being able to express my feelings. I also have to acknowledge that the other person may not agree with my side and may not see the pain they have caused, In this case, I let my feelings guide me if that person should be an important person in my life anymore. If I do not care about the person’s opinion anymore, than what they say to me or about me can not affect me the way it did when I held their opinions in high esteem.
Lesson: I always say: How you think is how you will feel, how you feel is how you will act, and how you act is how you will be perceived by the world.
P.S. I am not perfect. I forget how to let go sometimes and if it weren’t for my current sad state I may have never written these thoughts down. Guess what? I feel much better now. Hope this helped if someone hurts your feelings. =)