Being Dissed/Hurt Feelings & How to Get Over it!

Some people build walls to keep people out. I have walls to see who cares enough to break them down.

I don’t like to get too personal and deep with people. Rarely do I run around calling friends my best friends. I have been burned too many times; I have been dissed enough lately to know that I can only depend on myself. Those that I have been there for through the thick and thin, have not been there for me and as much as I hate to admit it, it hurts me feelings.

I am a Cancer sign. I can’t believe sometimes how accurate astrology is, but I am also wise enough to know that astrological signs are like wine: they may all be from the same vineyard, but they may all taste differently due to the weather, year and person drinking it. With that being said, it is interesting that my sign’s symbol is the crab. I am like the crab: with it’s hard exterior and soft interior. I am like the crab and let my shell off for a moment to breathe and got bruised and hurt. I refuse to ever feel sorry for myself. I do not believe that does anybody any good.

Here is how I personally deal with the emotional pain I sometimes feel when my feelings are hurt by those I care about or just hurt in general by harsh words about my character.

1. I address the pain. I let out a good cry/rant/or write it all out. I wallow in the pain for a bit. A bit. Not long enough to feel sorry for myself but long enough to really feel the pain I am feeling so that I may understand my pain. If I allow myself to cry, I always feel a little better afterwards. (This is anywhere from 5 minutes to an hour).

Lesson: Go ahead! Cry it out! Then move on!

2. Once the pain is addressed and acknowledged, (rather than me going around pretending I am not hurt), I try to figure out the cause of the pain or the root of what really hurt me. What in the words or actions hurt my feelings? Words can hurt, yes, but what exact words hurt the most. Why did they hurt? Was it becauser I was faced with truths I am not yet ready to face? Or is it because the words were the opposite of how I see myself or present myself to the world?

Lesson: Focus on what lesson you are getting out of this event. Write it out or talk to someone you trust and that is a good listener.

3. Once I realize the root of the pain, I pull on my “big girl chonies (undies)” and stop thinking about it. I force myself to be present in the here and now. I stop replaying the event over and over in my mind. I stop replaying what was said or done to me, what I should have said or done and/or why the person would offend me in such a way. This is an important step because if I continue to do this, I would only cause myself more pain. There is no happiness in those memories that upset me, only pain.

Lesson: There is happiness, however, to be found in the present time.

4. Along with refusing to replay the events repeatedly in my head and staying in the present moment, I stop talking about the issue with people. I have done this in the past, and it is like “beating a dead horse”. Trust me. When I tell people what someone else did to wrong me, it feels good to get another person on my side. It is always nice and reassuring to have someone tell me it wasn’t my fault and that I am a good person. But the truth is, if I did this more than the few times it takes to talk it out and to get it out of my system, my retelling of the story only holds me hostage in that moment when I was hurt. It allows the hurt feelings to reemerge and control me again.

Lesson There is no happiness to be found in a hurtful story.

5. After all these steps, I must find it in my heart to forgive myself. That’s right. Myself. I am one of those people who believes that people treat us how we “allow them” to treat us. So if I am being treated like a doormat, than that means I am being too available and too nice to certain people.
By forgiving myself, it is not my way of opting out of having any responsibilty in the events, but it is allowing myself to not be a prisoner of regret.

Lesson: Forgive yourself to help heal yourself.

6. Just as I said I refuse to feel sorry for myself, I also refuse to play the victim. I am a strong woman and in the end, I believe in myself because there is only me when I am alone and I should like the person I am with, no? I will own up to my part in an argument, maybe not immediately but after these steps I always try to see my part in the argument or hurtful event. I may not be responsible for someone else’s actions, but I am responsible for how I choose to react to them. I will always choose happiness above all else. It is not worth it to me to sit around feeling bad for someone else’s actions when I could be feeling happy in the present time.

Lesson: You are responsible for your reactions to their actions.

7. Lastly, I like to focus on things that make me smile; the things that make me laugh; the things that make me feel happy. Then, I share my smile, my laugh my positivity with the world. Sometimes the “world” is just my two young children and my husband, my neighbors passing by with a wave, the people I see at the store with eye contact and a smile. I refuse to bring more people into my pain.

When I am through all these steps, and my head is clear, I like to talk to the person that hurt my feelings. I have to go into the conversation with my head clear so that I can express myself without being overly emotional, but still being able to express my feelings. I also have to acknowledge that the other person may not agree with my side and may not see the pain they have caused, In this case, I let my feelings guide me if that person should be an important person in my life anymore. If I do not care about the person’s opinion anymore, than what they say to me or about me can not affect me the way it did when I held their opinions in high esteem.

Lesson: I always say: How you think is how you will feel, how you feel is how you will act, and how you act is how you will be perceived by the world.

P.S. I am not perfect. I forget how to let go sometimes and if it weren’t for my current sad state I may have never written these thoughts down. Guess what? I feel much better now. Hope this helped if someone hurts your feelings. =)

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A Letter to My Future Self

Random, interesting exercise: I wrote this letter to my future self about a 2 years ago and forgot to respond to it until I came across it tonight. You should try this exercise when you are worried/curious/anxious about your future. Write yourself a letter (for your future self) and ask about those things you are worried/stressed/curious about. You will be so delighted and surprised by you answers. At least I was!
Example: Basically, write the letter on your laptop, phone or tablet and save it. Set an alarm for whenever you would like to have a response and when the timer goes off, write you responses.

A Letter to My Future Self:

Hi you, I mean me,

How’s it going? Two kids now, wow. Hope you have your old body back like you said you would. How are the kids? Your son must be about 3 years old now and the new baby about 9 months, how are you handling the transititon into a mother of one to a mother of two? Have you kept your old job working from home? Does your son attend a local preschool now? How is your daughter’s personality? Is she sweet and gentle like your son was?

How are things with your amazing husband?

Hope all is well.
Sincerely,
Your old self

My future self, present time (7/20/13)

Hey you, I mean, me,

I am doing well. My two kids are growing like weeds. I am sorry I didn’t respond to you earlier. My son is now 4 and my daughter is 20 months. I got my body back with hard work and dedication to eating clean and working out. In fact, I stopped going to the gym and got a double jogging stroller and do almost all of my running outside. I still work from home on various projects and it is a pretty relaxed environment with work, still just extra money to play with. My son just finished summer school preschool and he loves it! My daughter is the cutest! She is sweet and gentle and gets into everything. She gets anyone she comes across to smile, even the grumpiest people.

MY husband is still amazing as ever.

Hope you are doing well.
sincerely LOVE,
ME

Finding the extraordinary in the Ordinary

People can be so inspiring and beautiful without even realizing it; just as we can be in the presence of beauty and inspiration without noticing.
How do we notice? How do we let more light into our lives? By opening our eyes and hearts to the little things that surround us everyday.
I remember watching “American Beauty” and the scene came on where the boy is filming a plastic bag floating through the wind. As he spoke of the bag’s beauty, I totally understood what he was getting at and where he was coming from. The fluidity, the gracefulness and the very movement of the bag floating amongst the wind, in perfect harmony was beautiful. It sounds pretentious, I know, but think of the way the sun slowly set over the horizon. How it slowly changes color and floats down further and further until it can no longer be seen. Think of those few minutes where there is still light out, but no sun to be seen and simultaneously the moon is out in the same sky. That is beauty to me. That is inspiring. That reminds me that we are not alone in this world. These beautiful things were created for us all to witness; to witness at the end of a long, trying day or to witness at the beginning of our evening.

People, too, can inspire and be beautiful without even realizing it. When I witness small acts of kindness, it touches my heart. When I get a smile from a stranger or a friendly wave from a neighbor, it reminds me that we are all connected. My sister, who has been very ill and is slowly recovering, went on a walk by the beach today. She said she came across a piano that was one of twelve pianos that had been placed up and down the California Northern Coast side. The piano she came across had a woman sitting playing with her eyes closed and a young lady sitting crossed legged singing to the melody. My sister said it was the highlight of her day and I believed her. I felt a sense of joy that these two women happened to be playing on one of the first days my little sister was strong enough to leave her bed and venture out into the world. This was beautiful and inspiring to me and I know it was also for my sister.

Remember that it is the ordinary things you do as a person that can have an extraordinary impact on other people.

The Wonderful World of Parenthood

I haven’t posted in awhile. I have a lot on my mind and it seems like the many different events and thoughts seem to jumble together whenever I sit down to write about just one thing. Parenting and parenthood is on my mind at the moment, so I will start there and excuse me in advance if my thoughts digress as they tend to do.

I am lying here in my bed writing about parenthood as my daughter, who is now 20 months old, screams for me. I stop writing, attend to her needs, lie her down again and a few mintutes later, mid-sentence, I hear her call for me again. This time she needs water. It can be frustrating at times when my deep thoughts are constantly being interrupted during the light hours of the day (and sometimes the night), but I would never change my life for anything. In the end, when I am old and gray (or old with my gray hair colored), I will look back at these moments and cherish them.

Here is a short list of things that are truly wonderful about being a parent. Things that make my eyes water when I think back on them.

1. When my 4 year old son looks into my eyes with his most serious face, waiting until he has my full attention, (sometimes even holding my cheeks with both of his tiny hands) and says, “I love you mommy.” It melts my heart. Anything that was bothering me immediately vanishes and I am living in that moment.

2. When my 20 month year old daughter has a kissing contest with herself and repeatedly kisses me and her daddy until we have to eventually stop her. Once she went on for almost 10 minutes!

3. Whenever I leave the house, whether it be for a half an hour or an entire day, I am greeted with the most enthusiastic smiles, hugs and squeals you would think I was one of the member of One Direction with 12 year old girls groupies chasing me down.

4. When I catch little, gentle moments of pure love and tenderness between my son and daughter it confirms why we decided to have another child. Sometimes my son will gently stroke my daughter’s hair when she is hurt and ask if she is ok. On a few occasions, when she has been scared of a loud noise or animal, he has said to her, “Come here Bella, I’ll take care of you.”

5. When I see the look of pride in both my children’s eyes when we praise them for doing something correctly, I know that we are doing a good job parenting them.

6. When they hug me, kiss me, say loving words, offer me their half-eaten crackers, offer me tissue when I sneeze, let me love them how I want to, let me hold them whenever I want, it simply makes my life worth living. It gives me purpose in this world. They make me whole.

7. Whenever I see them laugh, I feel what pure happiness and joy means.

8. When I remember that they are slowly, yet quickly growing older, my heart dies a little but it makes me enjoy the little moments all that much more.

I am not going to lie and say that every moment of every day is wonderful in parenthood, but every day I end it with the joy and the feeling of bliss and pride that get to be their mother; that I get to be at home raising them. I feel blessed that God chose me to be their mother.