I have to take my own advice again and again. For such a “wise” person, I tend to get deep into depressing moods over the actions of others towards me. I get depressed over my own reactions to other people. I get depressed about things that seem insignificant to others, but to me, weigh heavily on my shoulders and on my soul. If someone is mean to me, is it my fault? Is it their fault? Or is it simply my interpretation of their words that has made me feel low?
I often say: How you think is how you feel; how you feel is how you act; and how you act is how you will be perceived.
I say this so often, that I forget to say it to myself. I have a habit of looking after everyone else’s feelings and pushing my own feelings deep into the depths of my gut. I smile on the outside; making extra efforts to make others laugh and not see into my eyes the real pain I am feeling. This is how I try to be strong. I have a hard exterior; shiny and strong. My interior, my true self, is a ball of mushy emotions; a mixture of a confident woman in her early 30’s and a little girl lost in a crowd searching for her parents.
I have been so deep inside my own head; so down in the inside, that my thoughts have been nothing but negative. I am acting normal to the unfocused eye, but those who can really see me know that I am putting on my shiny facade to hide what I am really feeling.
To those that know me best, to my spouse and my best friends, I am worried to be perceived as a confusing, irrational contradition.
I am simply writing this post, to get these thoughts out of my head and to possibly help someone reading this know that it is ok to not be ok all the time. It is fine to have an emotional outburst and relish in the feelings that comes with being true to your own feelings. Let it all out. Talk out those negative feelings. Replace them with happy and positive thoughts.
Remember to be kind to yourself and to detach yourself from reality every day for a moment and stop your thoughts from replaying the same negative scenes over and over again. Stop and smell the roses of your life. There is such simplicity in being positive and happy that we often lose sight of the little beautiful things that surround us daily. A blossoming flower, a child squealing with joy on the playground, people waving to one another, the sun rising each morning…
Being unhappy and negative is also easy. We can look at those same beautiful things and see only the ugly in them because that’s how we feel on the inside. I have felt that way. I swam in it. I consequently made myself depressed. I feel the ugliness of my thoughts right now as I type the pit of my stomach, those negative feelings that are left overs of all the negative thoughts I have been having regurgitating over and over again. I made a decision to not feel that way anymore and just like that, I started to feel better. I made the decision to love myself more by feeding my soul more positive thoughts about myself, my life and everything my eyes see.
I made a decision to not take anything personally and to not engage in any fights that weren’t worth fighting. It is easier than you think and at the same time harder than you could imagine because it is not a single thought that changes your feelings; it is the accumulation of all of your thoughts that either make you feel happy or feel sad. To look happy and to feel it, are two very different things.
I am rambling off my thoughts tonight and I feel wonderful admitting I am not perfect. I am not void of negative feelings and depression. I can recognize when I am spiraling down and I refuse to let myself fall any deeper. This is my decision. I will make this conscious effect every moment I feel a negative thought coming on.
As simple and naïve as it may sound, my advice is to think your way happy. Think happy thoughts and you will become happy.