A Babbling, Rambling Look into Monica’s Head

I have to take my own advice again and again. For such a “wise” person, I tend to get deep into depressing moods over the actions of others towards me. I get depressed over my own reactions to other people. I get depressed about things that seem insignificant to others, but to me, weigh heavily on my shoulders and on my soul. If someone is mean to me, is it my fault? Is it their fault? Or is it simply my interpretation of their words that has made me feel low?

I often say: How you think is how you feel; how you feel is how you act; and how you act is how you will be perceived.
I say this so often, that I forget to say it to myself. I have a habit of looking after everyone else’s feelings and pushing my own feelings deep into the depths of my gut. I smile on the outside; making extra efforts to make others laugh and not see into my eyes the real pain I am feeling. This is how I try to be strong. I have a hard exterior; shiny and strong. My interior, my true self, is a ball of mushy emotions; a mixture of a confident woman in her early 30’s and a little girl lost in a crowd searching for her parents.
I have been so deep inside my own head; so down in the inside, that my thoughts have been nothing but negative. I am acting normal to the unfocused eye, but those who can really see me know that I am putting on my shiny facade to hide what I am really feeling.
To those that know me best, to my spouse and my best friends, I am worried to be perceived as a confusing, irrational contradition.

I am simply writing this post, to get these thoughts out of my head and to possibly help someone reading this know that it is ok to not be ok all the time. It is fine to have an emotional outburst and relish in the feelings that comes with being true to your own feelings. Let it all out. Talk out those negative feelings. Replace them with happy and positive thoughts.

Remember to be kind to yourself and to detach yourself from reality every day for a moment and stop your thoughts from replaying the same negative scenes over and over again. Stop and smell the roses of your life. There is such simplicity in being positive and happy that we often lose sight of the little beautiful things that surround us daily. A blossoming flower, a child squealing with joy on the playground, people waving to one another, the sun rising each morning…

Being unhappy and negative is also easy. We can look at those same beautiful things and see only the ugly in them because that’s how we feel on the inside. I have felt that way. I swam in it. I consequently made myself depressed. I feel the ugliness of my thoughts right now as I type the pit of my stomach, those negative feelings that are left overs of all the negative thoughts I have been having regurgitating over and over again. I made a decision to not feel that way anymore and just like that, I started to feel better. I made the decision to love myself more by feeding my soul more positive thoughts about myself, my life and everything my eyes see.
I made a decision to not take anything personally and to not engage in any fights that weren’t worth fighting. It is easier than you think and at the same time harder than you could imagine because it is not a single thought that changes your feelings; it is the accumulation of all of your thoughts that either make you feel happy or feel sad. To look happy and to feel it, are two very different things.

I am rambling off my thoughts tonight and I feel wonderful admitting I am not perfect. I am not void of negative feelings and depression. I can recognize when I am spiraling down and I refuse to let myself fall any deeper. This is my decision. I will make this conscious effect every moment I feel a negative thought coming on.

As simple and naïve as it may sound, my advice is to think your way happy. Think happy thoughts and you will become happy.

It Finally Rained Today.

It finally rained today. And it couldn’t have come at a more perfect time in my life. It finally rained after days of heavy clouds and slight drizzle here and there. The type of drizzle that looks like it will turn into rain but instead just leaves an ominous fog heavy falling from the skies above.

It finally rained today. And the rain came at a time when I was feeling like I needed my life to be washed of negativity, harsh feelings and toxic people; a time when I felt I needed to see myself clearly; a time when I needed to see who would be standing with me in the falling drops of rain and show me the beauty of dancing in the rain.

And the sound of the rain gently tapping against my windowsill and playing a special peaceful tune on my roof, as if playing for only my ears, made me realize that everything is as it should be in my world. Everything is right in my life and that I am right where I am supposed to be and that I am surrounded by the people that are right for me.

It finally rained today and I smiled. And I smile still. I smile because I forgive those who have hurt me. I smile because my heart is so full of love and joy at the knowledge that I get “it”, I get my purpose as to why I am here on this earth. I get the thing that most people forget. The simple things that not everyone seems to care about. Honesty, loyalty, respect, love, kindness and above all forgiveness. I smile because I see that all the wonderful people in my life are not new faces, but the ones that have always been there by my side in good times and in bad.

It finally rained today.
The rain couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.
It finally rained today and I smile.

Finding the extraordinary in the Ordinary

People can be so inspiring and beautiful without even realizing it; just as we can be in the presence of beauty and inspiration without noticing.
How do we notice? How do we let more light into our lives? By opening our eyes and hearts to the little things that surround us everyday.
I remember watching “American Beauty” and the scene came on where the boy is filming a plastic bag floating through the wind. As he spoke of the bag’s beauty, I totally understood what he was getting at and where he was coming from. The fluidity, the gracefulness and the very movement of the bag floating amongst the wind, in perfect harmony was beautiful. It sounds pretentious, I know, but think of the way the sun slowly set over the horizon. How it slowly changes color and floats down further and further until it can no longer be seen. Think of those few minutes where there is still light out, but no sun to be seen and simultaneously the moon is out in the same sky. That is beauty to me. That is inspiring. That reminds me that we are not alone in this world. These beautiful things were created for us all to witness; to witness at the end of a long, trying day or to witness at the beginning of our evening.

People, too, can inspire and be beautiful without even realizing it. When I witness small acts of kindness, it touches my heart. When I get a smile from a stranger or a friendly wave from a neighbor, it reminds me that we are all connected. My sister, who has been very ill and is slowly recovering, went on a walk by the beach today. She said she came across a piano that was one of twelve pianos that had been placed up and down the California Northern Coast side. The piano she came across had a woman sitting playing with her eyes closed and a young lady sitting crossed legged singing to the melody. My sister said it was the highlight of her day and I believed her. I felt a sense of joy that these two women happened to be playing on one of the first days my little sister was strong enough to leave her bed and venture out into the world. This was beautiful and inspiring to me and I know it was also for my sister.

Remember that it is the ordinary things you do as a person that can have an extraordinary impact on other people.

The Wonderful World of Parenthood

I haven’t posted in awhile. I have a lot on my mind and it seems like the many different events and thoughts seem to jumble together whenever I sit down to write about just one thing. Parenting and parenthood is on my mind at the moment, so I will start there and excuse me in advance if my thoughts digress as they tend to do.

I am lying here in my bed writing about parenthood as my daughter, who is now 20 months old, screams for me. I stop writing, attend to her needs, lie her down again and a few mintutes later, mid-sentence, I hear her call for me again. This time she needs water. It can be frustrating at times when my deep thoughts are constantly being interrupted during the light hours of the day (and sometimes the night), but I would never change my life for anything. In the end, when I am old and gray (or old with my gray hair colored), I will look back at these moments and cherish them.

Here is a short list of things that are truly wonderful about being a parent. Things that make my eyes water when I think back on them.

1. When my 4 year old son looks into my eyes with his most serious face, waiting until he has my full attention, (sometimes even holding my cheeks with both of his tiny hands) and says, “I love you mommy.” It melts my heart. Anything that was bothering me immediately vanishes and I am living in that moment.

2. When my 20 month year old daughter has a kissing contest with herself and repeatedly kisses me and her daddy until we have to eventually stop her. Once she went on for almost 10 minutes!

3. Whenever I leave the house, whether it be for a half an hour or an entire day, I am greeted with the most enthusiastic smiles, hugs and squeals you would think I was one of the member of One Direction with 12 year old girls groupies chasing me down.

4. When I catch little, gentle moments of pure love and tenderness between my son and daughter it confirms why we decided to have another child. Sometimes my son will gently stroke my daughter’s hair when she is hurt and ask if she is ok. On a few occasions, when she has been scared of a loud noise or animal, he has said to her, “Come here Bella, I’ll take care of you.”

5. When I see the look of pride in both my children’s eyes when we praise them for doing something correctly, I know that we are doing a good job parenting them.

6. When they hug me, kiss me, say loving words, offer me their half-eaten crackers, offer me tissue when I sneeze, let me love them how I want to, let me hold them whenever I want, it simply makes my life worth living. It gives me purpose in this world. They make me whole.

7. Whenever I see them laugh, I feel what pure happiness and joy means.

8. When I remember that they are slowly, yet quickly growing older, my heart dies a little but it makes me enjoy the little moments all that much more.

I am not going to lie and say that every moment of every day is wonderful in parenthood, but every day I end it with the joy and the feeling of bliss and pride that get to be their mother; that I get to be at home raising them. I feel blessed that God chose me to be their mother.

Purpose

You have a purpose. Yes you. You have a purpose. Do you really think that we are just dropped here accidentally and meant for nothing? It may seem that way at times when we are not sure which direction we are meant to be heading. Know that any right or wrong doings are all part of the process of life. Your life is a work in progress. We are not all knowing and do not always know where a particular road or choice will lead us but that shouldn’t stop us from living. So few of us actually live our lives, most of us just exist. We are all here for a purpose. Our purpose on this earth may seem small compared to other people but we are all a part of the world and each and every one of us can make an impact. We don’t all get around to understanding what our purpose is on this earth. In some small or large way, we are all conencted to one another and to this planet. We all share a common bond of humanity and that in itself makes us brothers and sisters.
Here’s a thought: if you do not know what your purpose is, then why not live out one of your passions? Why not look around your environment and see how you can impact the people around you positively? It may only be your roommate, your spouse, your child but starting at this point you can start to see how you can positively (and negatively) affect those around you. Once you realize this fact, you can move on to the outside world. Once you realize your strengths and gifts, which we ALL possess, you can use those to find your purpose in this world.

Just repeat after me: I have a purpose. I have a purpose.

How to take compliment =)

How to take a compliment:

When someone gives you a compliment simply say, ” Thank you”. The end. =)

When someone gives you a compliment and you don’t immediately say thanky you but go into a long reason as to why the compliment was unnecessary, it make the other person feel unimportant. It is also very uncomfortable when giving a compliment and the other person won’t accept it, so you end up basically shoving the compliment down their throats (so to speak). It just makes me want to not ever compliemnt that person again. Remember that regarldess of how you feel about yourself or something you have done, other people may think it is great and it is polite to show event the slightest bit of gratitude towards.

This concludes our lesson for the day.

PS. If someone is giving you a reverse compliment, (where it sounds like a compliment but they are in fact insulting you), feel free to say whatever comes to you.

Let’s Make “Random” Acts of Kindness not so Random…

2013. I think it is about time we all take the “random” out of our acts of kindness. Let’s all vow to stop and think of mankind as a whole and realize that we are not an island, that we are part of something greater; we are a part of mankind and of the world we live in. The world, good or bad, is still our world and it is made up of different people, from all different walks of life.

Let’s stop only seeing the bad in people and know deep down that there are great people in this world and it starts with us; it starts with me and it starts with YOU.
Let’s just be kind to one another.
Let’s give people the benefit of the doubt and stop jumping to conclusions.
Let’s remember that the world is not out to get us!
When you’re in line at the grocery store and the person behind you has less items than you, let them cut in front of you.
When you have a free hand, lend it to someone. Open the door for them, grab an item that is too high for them to grab on a shelf.
Acts of kindness do not have to be monetary. A smile is free and also contagious, so spread it around a little and notice the reactions you will get!

There are so many cynics walking the earth right now, and they have the right to feel the way that they do with the state of things and some of the horrible events that have occured, but a smile and kindness reminds us of our humanity and that we all have that in common.

When people say they want to change the world they look at the world and get overwhelmed. I look at me. By changing myself for the better in my thoughts, actions towards other people and the environment I am part of the world and I therefore am making a change.
They say it starts with just one person and I agree. One person can influence a million by a single act of kindness.

So, in 2013, let’s take a moment a day to perform one single act, (if not more),of kindness, whether it be big or small. Let’s smile a little more at people. Give eye-contact. Say hello to strangers. Let’s make this year kinder than 2012.